Gears of War (18)
Verdict: Beautiful, grizzly and innovative.
For Xbox 360.
Rating: 4/5
The chainsaw has always remained a satisfyingly grizzly favourite with its familiar ‘chug chug chug’ sound singing a kind of rhythmic elegy. Imagine the glee when I discovered the default gun in Gears of War came with a screen soaking chainsaw bayonet.
Falling somewhere between Ghost Recon’s blindfire filled, squad based gameplay and Halo’s balanced sci-fi combat and weaponry, Gears of War is a gorgeously grim looking game full of stunningly decayed gothic architecture, urban desolation and industrial cliché. Combined with handheld camera style work, GoW sets the graphical bench mark for future 360 titles and certainly keeps the PS3 on it’s toes.
Ignoring the Casual difficulty setting, GoW set to Hardcore is transformed from an easy run and gun game to a desperate battle for survival where life is fleeting and the enemy is unrelenting. Relying on AI buddies can at times be frustrating but help exists in the form of reviving co-op play in split screen or online and nothing since Halo has been so much fun and so well integrated into the experience.
Online features are surprisingly minimal with only three game types on offer and ten maps to choose from but what this lacks in numbers it makes up for in purity and balance as each game is an intense tactical shoot out and team based battle. The one-hit-kill of a sticky grenade and the unstoppable fury of the chainsaw can tip the balance at times but quick fire rounds keep revenge fresh in the mind.
As a flagship title showing what the 360 is capable of, GoW does it with great verve and confidence. Despite the arguably repetitive gameplay, weak close combat and a relatively short, anti-climatic story, the levels are varied enough to keep things going and the intense action, brevity of life and immense fun to be had in co-op and multiplayer will keep you coming back for more. Genius and innovative touches like the tense weapon reloading ensure it stays one step above the competition.
Shsh, do you hear that chugging sound? It’s drawing near...

Call of Duty 3 (15)
Verdict: Authentic but linear war.
For 360, also Xbox, PS2, Wii.
Rating: 3½/5
Historical shooters have always been strangely perverted in their attempt to create fun out of a truly horrific reality. Titles like Medal of Honour tend to paint a dubiously anaesthetised, blood free image of war that is little more than a cardboard shooting gallery. Thankfully the Call of Duty series treats history with a little more respect.
Traditionally CoD has been split up into separate chapters charting the experiences of different soldiers in different armies - from snow covered trenches to urban settings. This time round you play as different soldiers but they are all fighting for the same objective in France - preparing the way for D-day.
What this brings in narrative coherence to the game, it loses in variety, as each level is made up of similarly dull green palettes as you fight through the damp countryside of France.
What it lacks in variety though it makes up for with compelling and contrasting scenes of beauty in those rare moments between gun fights as smoke grenades fade into the chill moonlit night and luminescent moths flutter like cinders from a burning jeep.
Despite this though CoD suffers from weak AI and incredibly linear level design and although they detract from the reality of the war, the messy and chaotic online experience does well to rectify it. If it wasn’t for connection issues, the balanced soldier classes and 24 player matches could be reason alone to buy the game.
Call of Duty’s greatest strength lies in making you feel vulnerable - like every bullet counts and every corner turned could be your last. Bombs rain down, planes burn overhead and distant screams signal the arrival of ominous Panzer tanks.
Going through all this for ‘fun’ feels a little uncomfortable at times but CoD’s historical accuracy and compelling gameplay ensures that at least we don’t forget what our grandparents went through for our freedom.

Spongebob Squarepants: Creature from the Krusty Krab
Verdict: A cake that needs a little icing.
For PS2, also PC, GC, Wii.
Rating: 3½/5
Ah Spongebob, there’s nowt finer than the antics of Nickelodeon’s aquatic fanatic. A regular fixture of our household, he’s brightened many a morning yet when it comes to videogames he’s always been a bit of a damp Squidward.
To tackle Spongebob’s virtual plight, Blitz Games have attempted to capture the essence of the cartoon and worked closely with Nikelodeon to recreate the sense of humour, imagination and surrealness of Bikini Bottom.
Drawing inspiration from a number of episodes, the game takes place over a series of dreams and nightmares with an over-arching B-movie theme. While allowing the designers freedom to cook up crazier than normal situations like Plankton wreaking havoc Godzilla style, it also allows them to experiment visually as in the case of Spongebob’s disfigured Hotrod levels and Patrick’s 50’s comic book style adventures, replete with authentic print dots.
As the dreams create visual diversity they also create variety in the gameplay as each level attempts to try something new. Mixed in with the overly traditional ‘go here, press that’ platforming levels are racing, flying and side scrolling levels alongside a whole host of minigames and the inclusion of motion sensing controls on the Wii version will certainly spice things up.
Unfortunately, while each dream offers a change of pace it tends to over milk it with some repetitive gameplay, tired objectives and overlong levels marring what could be an altogether sweeter but shorter cake.
The ease at which progress is made helps lighten the repetition and the abundance of save points means all but the most aquaphobic of gamers will make it through to the multiple endings but on the other edge of the swordfish lies a game that presents little challenge - the promise of a new dream is always just enough to keep you going though.
The true litmus test is if the fans are happy and judging by the grin on my girlfriend’s face I’d say that was a yes.

Splinter Cell: Double Agent
Verdict: Familiarity breeds contentment.
For Xbox 360, also PC, PS2, Xbox, GC.
Rating: 4/5
The world that Sam Fisher exists in seems to be one of perpetual night, soaked in rain and framed by shadow stealing flashes of lightning. You’d think he might get tired of seeing everything in ‘Most Haunted’ hues of green and you’d be right - Double Agent not only sees Sam go undercover and tread a fine wire between what’s right for the mission and right for his humanity but also sees him sneak in altogether brighter places.
With the story kicking off with Sam in prison, attempting to infiltrate a terrorist group, he’s stripped of his usual gear and must escape using his bare muscle and wit. To knock out or kill the prison guards on his escape sums up the underlying morality at play throughout the game as you juggle with what are essentially good/bad meters represented by the government agency and the terrorists. Trying to please both is a difficult task but one which reaps the most rewarding and tense gameplay.
Alongside these significant changes, Double Agent further streamlines the Splinter Cell experience with intelligent doses of evolution within its controls, enhancing the context sensitive setup and subtle analogue and rumble mechanics.
Online play offers co-op missions and the biggest departure from the game’s single player - Spy Vs Mercenary matches. Playing as either a nimble super spy in the third person or a heavily armed mercenary in the first person, you must either retrieve or protect data utilising your unique strengths.
Spys are unarmed but can perform feats of acrobatics, stealth kills and use high-tech gadgets. Mercenaries have big guns, a torch and the growing rumble of a heartbeat to let them know when the enemy is near - how it’ll work on the PS3’s rumble-less controller will be interesting to see.
As a complete package it’s hard to fault Double Agent and it’s a great looking game with outstanding audio but at the end of the day it is just more of the same.
As gruel goes though, it’s mighty tasty.

Kingdom Hearts 2
Verdict: Buoyant but bloated cartoon fun.
Platform: PS2
Rating: 3½/5
Featuring a cast drawn from Final Fantasy games and Disney, Kingdom Hearts 2 brings them together again in a gloriously animated and gorgeous looking adventure.
Continuing from where the original’s story left off, Sora awakens to find that the ‘heartless’ haven’t actually been defeated and that a new army is on the rise, led by Sleeping Beauty’s nemesis, Maleficent. It’s up to the spikey haired lad to defeat them once and for all with the help of Goofy, Donald and a vast array of other familiar, family friendly characters.
With Square Enix’s high production values combined with Disney’s voice acting and iconic design it’s easy to see why the series is so popular with young and old as each scenario bursts forth with colour and character.
Combining Final Fantasy’s familiar and intuitive menu systems with an accessible real-time combat engine, Kingdom Hearts 2 is easy to pick up, easy to play and a joy to behold.
Fighting is made up of the basic attack/defend/cast repertoire and ‘Quick Time Event’ style button presses for context sensitive moves, particularly utilised during the impressively huge boss battles.
For all its charm, Kingdom Hearts 2 is ultimately bogged down by a ham-fisted script and a bloated, nonsensical plot in desperate need of some trimming. Square Enix’s love of cut-scenes remains strong with an excessive amount of FMV to sit through but at least they’re full of Disney’s comedic characters and not just whining spikey haired emo kids.
Thankfully the cut-scenes are actually skippable and it’s design elements like this that are the game’s saving graces along with the obvious draw of Disney’s IP. The scrappy, button bashing nature of the combat and linearity of the game don’t do much to help either but it’s all held together by the over arching joy of fighting alongside Donald and Goofy and progressing to the next branded Disney land.
Kind of like touring Disney World with a dysfunctional family.

Mortal Kombat: Armageddon (18)
Verdict: More is less.
Platform: PS2, Xbox.
Rating: 2½/5
Those that salivate at the thought of poorly animated gore, rejoice! Mortal Kombat returns in one (hopefully) final blow out with a bumper package that squeezes in every single character from the series and a whole host of extras
Outclassed in the 2D realm, Mortal Kombat has been trying to karve itself a niche in 3D. Once again offering over the top gore and uniquely, allowing players to switch between hand-to-hand and weapon based combat, it single handedly takes on the likes of Virtua Fighter and Soul Calibur in one decapitating stroke. Or at least it wishes.
If a 60 strong list of characters isn’t enough to entice you, Armageddon has been spread wide and thinly to include a single player story mode and bizarrely, Kart racing.
The story mode is pure stilton with twitchy kontrols and a kombat engine at odds with the traditional 1 Vs 1 style. The Kart racing is out of place and a far cry from the joys of Mario Kart.
Still lacking that ‘queer eye’, the kreators of Armageddon have decided to give gamers the key to the spandex wardrobe. Soon to be featured on ‘What not to Wear’ as a virtual wardrobe for single mums looking for zing in their evening wear, the selection of ridiculous costume parts on offer will mean your kombatant really stands out at the disco. Scotchgard is optional but advisable considering the blood on the dance floor.
With online play, an overwhelming amount of unlockables (why they have to be locked in the first place is a mystery of modern gaming) and a bumper pack size of kontent it looks like a good deal but John Doe will be buying the game for the kombat so he can disembowel his friends and that unfortunately is a tawdry, stilted affair lacking the fluidity, joy and true depth of its peers.
Next weeks review - Mortal Kombat: Kross Stitch Konunrdrums.

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Red/Blue Rescue team
Verdict: Dungeon crawling for dummies.
Platform: GBA, DS. Out 10th November.
Rating: 3½/5
Fans of Sex in the city often ask ‘which character are you most like?’. Alongside ‘which A-Team character do you smell of?’ and ‘which Cenobite would you holiday with?’, we now have a new question and a readily available answer - ‘what type of Pokémon are you?’.
At the start of the mysterious red or blue adventure you’re asked a series of entertaining and random questions which inexplicably determine what type of Pokémon you’re transformed into. My stubbornness and quiet courage meant I became a Charmander when I woke from the amnesia inducing dream into the world of talking creatures.
Taking a diversion from the traditional Pokémon format, Nintendo have created a particularly old-school dungeon crawler. Featuring randomly generated ‘dungeons’ in the form of forests and cave networks, the traditional turn-based combat has been replaced with accessible, pseudo real-time mechanics which allow the novice to jump straight in while the simple controls belay a more hardcore structure for the stat crunchers out there.
This time round you actually play as a Pokémon instead of a trainer collecting them. Set in a human-less world you can communicate beyond the original two word style vocabulary (Pika? Chu!) but the queen’s English lamentably removes some of the nonsensical charm that Pokémon normally exude.
With the core hook of the classic Pokémon RPGs gone, the ‘gotta catch em all’ nature has been replaced with ‘gotta befriend em all’ which, while ecologically and sociologically sound, replaces the satisfaction of hunting out rare Pokémon, nurturing and training them with an altogether less immediate prospect.
While the hub world and story is full of character and kawai charm, the majority of the game is spent dungeon crawling through bland, featureless environments. Their random nature replaces the prospect of clever level design with endlessly meandering corridors and rooms and coupled with the repetitive and simplified combat, speedily working your way through each mission quickly becomes a priority over curious exploration which was such an enjoyable part of the originals.
With link-up between versions and the expected DS enhancements bettering the GBA, it’s a game best played in conjunction with friends with trading and collecting enhancing the unique but slightly flat experience.
Now if I could just wake up from this dream...